So last night on facebook chat D got to talking about getting new orders in a couple of months and probably moving out of state. It sounds like there's a good chance he'll get San Diego. So I asked him what happens to us then. He said he doesn't know. He's given it some thought but hasn't come to any conclusions. We've been together for 2 years and he doesn't know what he wants to happen if he moves away. I was pretty upset by this. Then he changed the subject (later he said that he hadn't meant to, pffft).
After a few minutes of random conversation I said that after his nonanswer I was going to go because I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. He said he was sorry and that he knew I was pissed. We talked about it a little more before I said that I am sick of being the quiet girlfriend that doesn't ask about these things, I'm sick of only seeing him once a week, and that I am really fucking sick of not having any clue how he feels about me. After a LONG silence he said that he was confused and doesn't know how he feels about anything. So I told him to call me when he figures it out. Then he signed off.
So I have even more questions than when the whole thing started. I still have no idea if I've just been someone to fuck or if he's madly in love with me. Although I seriously doubt the latter. If he loved me, really loved me, then none of this would be an issue. I had hopes though, stupid hopes. He used to tell me how much he missed while he was gone. He bought me a nice watch, a diamond tennis bracelette, and a new computer. None of which had to be cheap. Not to mention he drives an hour and a half almost every weekend so we can see each other. So I suppose I fall somewhere between "sex toy" and "soul mate". But where?
And even if he does come to the conclusion that I am his soul mate am I so sure that I still want to be his? I mean, I love him, this wouldn't hurt so bad if I didn't. But after this could I really find it in me to take him back? Wouldn't I just keep thinking about it, and question him? Would I really ever be able to trust him with my heart again? More questions I don't have answers for.
And another thing. Why does stuff like this always seem to happen to me? Either I'm with someone who's madly in love with me but I don't feel the same, or the other way around. Can't I just find a guy who is wild about me and I'm wild about him?
In conclusion: I'm pissed off and mystified, not a good combination.