Saturday, January 9, 2010

Questions, and no answers.

So last night on facebook chat D got to talking about getting new orders in a couple of months and probably moving out of state. It sounds like there's a good chance he'll get San Diego. So I asked him what happens to us then. He said he doesn't know. He's given it some thought but hasn't come to any conclusions. We've been together for 2 years and he doesn't know what he wants to happen if he moves away. I was pretty upset by this. Then he changed the subject (later he said that he hadn't meant to, pffft).

After a few minutes of random conversation I said that after his nonanswer I was going to go because I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. He said he was sorry and that he knew I was pissed. We talked about it a little more before I said that I am sick of being the quiet girlfriend that doesn't ask about these things, I'm sick of only seeing him once a week, and that I am really fucking sick of not having any clue how he feels about me. After a LONG silence he said that he was confused and doesn't know how he feels about anything. So I told him to call me when he figures it out. Then he signed off.

So I have even more questions than when the whole thing started. I still have no idea if I've just been someone to fuck or if he's madly in love with me. Although I seriously doubt the latter. If he loved me, really loved me, then none of this would be an issue. I had hopes though, stupid hopes. He used to tell me how much he missed while he was gone. He bought me a nice watch, a diamond tennis bracelette, and a new computer. None of which had to be cheap. Not to mention he drives an hour and a half almost every weekend so we can see each other. So I suppose I fall somewhere between "sex toy" and "soul mate". But where?

And even if he does come to the conclusion that I am his soul mate am I so sure that I still want to be his? I mean, I love him, this wouldn't hurt so bad if I didn't. But after this could I really find it in me to take him back? Wouldn't I just keep thinking about it, and question him? Would I really ever be able to trust him with my heart again? More questions I don't have answers for.

And another thing. Why does stuff like this always seem to happen to me? Either I'm with someone who's madly in love with me but I don't feel the same, or the other way around. Can't I just find a guy who is wild about me and I'm wild about him?

In conclusion: I'm pissed off and mystified, not a good combination.


Amy said...

never a fun combo honey.

I think that you have to stop asking questions about what if you are his soulmate and see what happens. I know you are alot like me and I need to know now, but I am slowly learning that patience is key. See what happens. Don't talk to him for some time. See if he misses you like you miss him. And then take it from there.

I love you Cyster!

Princess Jess said...

Its really hard not to text him or something. But so I haven't sent him any messages, or called, or anything. The revenge thirsty part of my wants start posting things on FB about how much fun I am having. Like "had a great time at the party!" just to see what happens. But I won't, at least not yet. LOL!