Monday, December 17, 2012

This is how it feels....

.....when you get rejected because of your disease.

Dear Dude,

I’m going to apologize in advance for some of things I’m going to say.  The thing is; I’ve never had the chance to tell someone exactly how I feel about being rejected because of my disease.  I’m taking it.  I need to.  I really hope this doesn’t destroy a chance at friendship for us.  As hurt as I am right now I don’t hate you and never will.  I wanted to write this instead of tell you in person because with something intense writing just works better for me.

Right now I have this huge desire to just rage at you for rejecting me because of my CF.  I want to scream at you about being a poor excuse for a man, weak, uncaring, unfair, judgementle, and selfish.  Yes, I’m going to die before you, but so what?  Anyone who cared enough about me would rather be with me for however long I’m here than not at all.  

I’m even questioning whether or not you are capable of being my friend.  I need my friends, I need them absolutely.  When my health declines I will need support, shoulders to cry on, cheerleaders, listeners, and help doing simple tasks.  Can I count on you to be a part of that team?  You already told me that my death will be one of the most difficult things you’ll have to deal with.  This doesn’t instill me with confidence.  At this point in time I’ve lost a lot of respect for you. 
You said you don’t deal with death well.  Guess what, no one does.  It isn’t supposed to be easy.   It’s supposed to hurt.  In my adult life I’ve had to deal with the deaths of more than twenty loved ones, but even if I were given the option to go back and not become their friend to save myself the pain of their death, I wouldn’t do it.  I’m better because of them.  I will never distance myself from any of my CF friends who are still living.  I need them and they need me.  I went into these friendships knowing what could happen.  I’ll see more of them die, in the same way that I’ll die!  It’s like having a sick crystal ball.  Some of them will see me die, yet they don’t reject me.  If I can make it through more than twenty monumental losses and be whole, then you can make it through the handful you’ll have to deal with in your life.  The first man I ever loved died.  It was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, it took me years to get over it, but I did.  I still love him dearly, but he wouldn’t want me to mourn him forever.  He’d want me to find someone else to be happy with, which is why I haven’t given up.
I meant it when I said that I understand this.  You have a choice about whether or not to take this on and how much.  This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, it probably won’t be the last.  No one wants to see someone they love suffer and die.  The thing is; there are no guarantees that you won’t be put into that situation with someone else.  The only difference is that I’m more aware of my mortality than most people.  What if you’re with someone for years and years who was perfectly healthy and then they get cancer?  Would you break up with them then?  

I wish there was a way that I could make you feel how I feel about this.  You have no idea what it’s like to be terrified of falling for someone and them falling for you because if it happens they will watch you die!  I don’t want to be responsible for causing that kind of pain.  Sometimes I think it would be better if I’m single forever.  At the same time I’m still human and I want someone to love me.  I want someone to love back.  CF has taken so much from me; the only career I ever wanted, kids, friends, my independence.  Every time it makes someone I care about run from me I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out.  It just isn’t fair that it should take away the one thing that would make me the most happy.  

I don’t wonder if things would be different if I didn’t have CF, there’s no point.  I have it and nothing will change that.  I think that you’re too analytical when it comes to matters of the heart.  Love isn’t an equation to be solved.  It isn’t logical, it makes no sense, it’s hard, often painful.  I don’t want to feel this way about you.  I don’t want or need a boyfriend who can’t handle the reality of my health.  But I can’t help it, just like you can’t help how you do or don’t feel about me.  I don’t expect this letter to change your mind about it.

Thank you for being honest with me when I asked you to tell me why I’m not right for you.  Knowing the real reasons will help me get past this faster.  I’m not going to rush into another relationship to try and get over you.   

I do still want to be your friend, but it will take time for this wound to heal.  I’ve learned a lot from you, because of you I’ve made tons of new friends.  I’m scared that if you and I aren’t friends anymore they won’t want anything to do with me.  Despite what I said at the beginning of this rant you have a lot of qualities that I do want in a man and having you in my life has made me more aware of those things.