Kiki!

This is Kiki. I got her from a guy on the USS Lincoln which will be gone most of the year, so he couldn't keep her. She is almost blind and when I heard that she might go to a shelter I snatched her up! A shelter would just put her down since she is disabled and no one would adopt her. She is a lovely, sweet kitty so I couldn't let that happen.

Port drama

So on Monday I went to have my port flushed. The nurse and I swore she that she was in but we couldn't get a blood return. So, I called UW and they got me in to see the PICC/port nurse today. She could flush it, and I could taste the saline so she was definately in. She flushed me with heparin really good and let me marinate for 20 minutes. Still no blood return. So on to TPA. You may recall from August that I had to have my last PICC TPA'd. Its an enzyme that dissolves clots. The nurse thinks that my last antibiotic clogged it up. Well, that had to sit for 2 hours so I went and ate and worked on my latest knitting project. And when I went back we got blood!!! Yay!! So I am back in business.

Bleh!!

Sinus infection. Crakly left lung. Antibiotic. Insomnia. Can I be done now?

New Hair Do.

As a fellow Raveler put it, I got a revenge make over. There's nothing like looking in the mirror, seeing that you are in fact, pretty, and knowing that your ex fucked it all away and that's HIS problem. So this is my new hair. I like it, she did a good job on it. I might even go shorter. I've always liked my hair on the short side anyway. Its so fine that when it gets long its just weighed down and limp. This is better, it has some oomf!! And everyone likes it!

I'm doing ok I guess. I still have some depressed moments where I miss him. But not all the time, and much less than at first. I actually have a date tonight. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for it, but I have to get back out there sooner or later. I just hate dating. I like to be in a relationship. I like knowing that that special other person is a phone call away for any reason. And I guess its comforting to know that if I get sick someone will come and help me.

Its over.

So D and I are done. He didn't even have the balls to call me, he sent me an email. In a nut shell he said he was sorry for not being able to tell me how he feels, its one of his biggest faults and he's working on it with his councilor. He also said he's not ready for me to follow him somewhere. So that was it. I sent him an email back saying that I hope he finds what he's looking for and that I hope he has enough respect for the next woman to act like an adult and tell her how he feels.

I'm pissed, I'm hurt. I feel like the last 2 years was a waist. He still never even told me what I was to him. I guess I kind of knew all along that I loved him more than he did me, if he even loved me at all. But that doesn't make it any easier. I feel stupid. I guess its asking a lot to have someone feel the same way about me as I do about them. I can't seem to get on the same wavelength with anyone.

Part of me wants to start dating right away, but then I know that right now I'm not in a good place for that. I know it wouldn't be fair for me to start seeing someone just so I could make myself feel better about being me. What if Mr. Right gets away because I'm not ready to love him yet? Besides, right now I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I don't think that I could be with D even he had a sudden change of heart, but I can't be with anyone else yet either.

Questions, and no answers.

So last night on facebook chat D got to talking about getting new orders in a couple of months and probably moving out of state. It sounds like there's a good chance he'll get San Diego. So I asked him what happens to us then. He said he doesn't know. He's given it some thought but hasn't come to any conclusions. We've been together for 2 years and he doesn't know what he wants to happen if he moves away. I was pretty upset by this. Then he changed the subject (later he said that he hadn't meant to, pffft).

After a few minutes of random conversation I said that after his nonanswer I was going to go because I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. He said he was sorry and that he knew I was pissed. We talked about it a little more before I said that I am sick of being the quiet girlfriend that doesn't ask about these things, I'm sick of only seeing him once a week, and that I am really fucking sick of not having any clue how he feels about me. After a LONG silence he said that he was confused and doesn't know how he feels about anything. So I told him to call me when he figures it out. Then he signed off.

So I have even more questions than when the whole thing started. I still have no idea if I've just been someone to fuck or if he's madly in love with me. Although I seriously doubt the latter. If he loved me, really loved me, then none of this would be an issue. I had hopes though, stupid hopes. He used to tell me how much he missed while he was gone. He bought me a nice watch, a diamond tennis bracelette, and a new computer. None of which had to be cheap. Not to mention he drives an hour and a half almost every weekend so we can see each other. So I suppose I fall somewhere between "sex toy" and "soul mate". But where?

And even if he does come to the conclusion that I am his soul mate am I so sure that I still want to be his? I mean, I love him, this wouldn't hurt so bad if I didn't. But after this could I really find it in me to take him back? Wouldn't I just keep thinking about it, and question him? Would I really ever be able to trust him with my heart again? More questions I don't have answers for.

And another thing. Why does stuff like this always seem to happen to me? Either I'm with someone who's madly in love with me but I don't feel the same, or the other way around. Can't I just find a guy who is wild about me and I'm wild about him?

In conclusion: I'm pissed off and mystified, not a good combination.

Sensored.

So on Monday I went to the diabetes center to get this sensor. It checked my blood sugar every 3 minutes. I had to log every bit of food that went into my mouth and any drinks containing carbs and how much insulin I took. Then today I went back and got unhooked and they downloaded the data. It showed that at night my blood sugar almost doesn't change at all. The line on the graph was almost totally flat. This is good, it means I don't need a long acting insulin. It also showed that I could use another unit or two of insulin in the morning. My nurse practitioner said that I might be a tad more insulin resistant in the morning from having all the waking up hormones pumping into my system. She said that over all though I do a good job of knowing how much insulin to take for what I eat. So as of right now just add another unit with breakfast, two if I eat more than usual. I go back in April.

My awesome Christmas presents!

So I got my presents from D late because the place he ordered them from was lazy. So we had Christmas on New Years Day! I got him a new DVD player because he had this old clunky DVD/VCR combo that was really touchy with the DVDs. But he wouldn't replace it because he had a copy of Pulp Fiction on VHS and its his favorite movie. So I also got him a copy of the collectors edition of Pulp Fiction on DVD. Then I got him a t-shirt with a hoopty ride and a couple gnomes. It said Ridin with my gnomies on it. He's into gnomes.

He got me a cooking tutor for my Nintendo DS! Its very cool, I can make shopping lists on it based on the recipes, exlude things I don't like, and there are TONS of recipes on it! And, best of all; he got me a new Toshiba laptop!! My old one had been rebuilt and given to me. While I really appreciate that from the friend who gave it to me, it was old and slow. So this is so awesome!! I can actually stream video now! Yay! Thanks babe!

2009

Since we're saying good-bye to 2009 I thought I would take a few minutes to reflect on the year. And unfortunately its the bad stuff that seems to stand out. There were too many deaths for starters. D's sister, B's mom, Jenn, Courtney, Ginger, Paul, and Mel. The last 4 in the last 6 weeks of the year. Then of course D was deployed again, and that was just as hard if not harder than the 2008 deployment. I was diagnosed with CFRD. My fibromyalgia has been out of control most of the year. I had my first hospitalization for anything CF related, and it was a whopper. You may remember the partially collapsed lung causing me horrible pain. And my cat dissappeared. So with all this stuff hanging over the year, lets talk about the good, even if it was small.

I got my new teeth!! YAY! I had sinus surgery (I know that seems like a bad, and it did suck) and now I can breathe through my nose and I get results from sinus rinses!! D came home!! I got my CF tattoo that I'd been dreaming of for years. I got my port, no more PICCs for me! I got back into knitting and crocheting. I got to hang out with my friend Tally for a weekend before she moved. On that trip I got to see 65_RedRoses and meet Eva. I made a trip to the CF center in Denver. I bought my first digital camera! I got oxygen after 13 months of fighting with my CF doctors. I found a new primary doctor that I love. I taught myself to knit socks. I went to a ZZ Top concert.

So there 2009! You threw a lot at me. But I'm no worse for it. In fact I'm better. I was reminded of how important my friends and family are, and I told them so. And as much as I miss those who passed away, I know that they are watching out for me. So I came out on top once again. 2010 will bring new challenges and heart aches, but I can handle it. With the love and support of my family, my friends, and my cysters I can handle anything.