Saturday, January 31, 2009

My thoughts this week.

A lot has happened this week. D got called home to NYC on Monday night. Tuesday morning I got a text message at 3:45 saying that his sister had passes away. My heart broke for him at that moment. I don't have a sister so will never the unique pain of losing one, but I have lost people that I love and I know that pain very well. Every death we incounter hits us differently. Upon hearing the news of my great grandfather's death from ALS (aka Lou Gerhig's disease) I burst into tears instantly. Even knowing that someone's death is near it doesn't make it hurt less. But I didn't have the same reaction about my grandfather's death. But I wasn't as close to him.

Not too many people know this, but I was fairly young when I fell in love for the first time. And it may seem strange that I never met my first love in person. We met on the internet, we exchanged letters and emails for years. We planned on being together one day. Then he got badly burned at work one day and distanced himself from me. Who was I to push the issue? He had a son to think about, didn't want to be a burden to me. Years later I tracked him down. I was having a rough time and just wanted to talk to someone who I knew loved me for me. We started talking again, started making plans to see each other. It was like those years of "seperation" had never happened. Then he was diagnosed with lung cancer. 3 months later he was gone. When I heard the news for an instant my world fell apart. How could that happen? How could my love be gone?

I gave up on finding anyone else like him. How could I ever love someone the way I loved him? That was a lot of the reason I got married. I figured why not? I was never going to feel that passion again so I might as well settle for this man. I didn't love him that way but I did care about him. He was a cancer survivor, I went through that hell with him and we made it through. Then he tried to commit suicide. I realized he didn't really care about me the way I thought he did. I realized that I had married him for the wrong reasons and the being single forever was better than that, I was better than that. So I asked for a divorce. 3 weeks later I met D.

I still wasn't ever expecting for fall in love. I just wanted to have fun, go on some dates. I figured that sooner or later I would get bored, I always did, and that would be that. But D and I had chemistry right from the start. And it was more than physical attraction, although he is incredibly handsome! We like the same movies, music, foods. Sparks flew when we kissed the first time. He had to go away on business for 2 weeks right after our second date and while he was gone he said he missed me. No man would say that after 2 dates if he didn't mean it. When he got back from that trip he had to tell me that he was being deployed in a few weeks. He would be gone for 6 months. I could tell by the tone of his voice that it hurt him to have to tell me that. Or maybe he was scared that I wouldn't want to see him anymore. But I did. I never wanted to see anyone else. I knew that night that I had already fallen in love with him.

Those six months seemed more like six years. But when he got home it felt like he had never left. The chemistry was still there. We still made each feel amazing. And another painful situation has been forced on us. I don't know for sure what he'll be like when he gets home from laying his sister rest. I just hope that he will lean on me when he needs to, and that he will know when he needs to. I know I can be strong for him if that's what he needs. I know it because I love him with all my heart.

Part of me is scared that I will lose him. I lost a love once and I never want to experience that heart break again. I know I can do my part, but will he be able to accept my support? I don't know. Whatever happens, I got to be loved and be in love twice in my life. Some people never get that chance even once. I will always appreciate what I have been given. Part of me will always miss Warren, you don't forget your first love. But if D will take it, he can have the rest of me.

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