My thoughts this week.

A lot has happened this week. D got called home to NYC on Monday night. Tuesday morning I got a text message at 3:45 saying that his sister had passes away. My heart broke for him at that moment. I don't have a sister so will never the unique pain of losing one, but I have lost people that I love and I know that pain very well. Every death we incounter hits us differently. Upon hearing the news of my great grandfather's death from ALS (aka Lou Gerhig's disease) I burst into tears instantly. Even knowing that someone's death is near it doesn't make it hurt less. But I didn't have the same reaction about my grandfather's death. But I wasn't as close to him.

Not too many people know this, but I was fairly young when I fell in love for the first time. And it may seem strange that I never met my first love in person. We met on the internet, we exchanged letters and emails for years. We planned on being together one day. Then he got badly burned at work one day and distanced himself from me. Who was I to push the issue? He had a son to think about, didn't want to be a burden to me. Years later I tracked him down. I was having a rough time and just wanted to talk to someone who I knew loved me for me. We started talking again, started making plans to see each other. It was like those years of "seperation" had never happened. Then he was diagnosed with lung cancer. 3 months later he was gone. When I heard the news for an instant my world fell apart. How could that happen? How could my love be gone?

I gave up on finding anyone else like him. How could I ever love someone the way I loved him? That was a lot of the reason I got married. I figured why not? I was never going to feel that passion again so I might as well settle for this man. I didn't love him that way but I did care about him. He was a cancer survivor, I went through that hell with him and we made it through. Then he tried to commit suicide. I realized he didn't really care about me the way I thought he did. I realized that I had married him for the wrong reasons and the being single forever was better than that, I was better than that. So I asked for a divorce. 3 weeks later I met D.

I still wasn't ever expecting for fall in love. I just wanted to have fun, go on some dates. I figured that sooner or later I would get bored, I always did, and that would be that. But D and I had chemistry right from the start. And it was more than physical attraction, although he is incredibly handsome! We like the same movies, music, foods. Sparks flew when we kissed the first time. He had to go away on business for 2 weeks right after our second date and while he was gone he said he missed me. No man would say that after 2 dates if he didn't mean it. When he got back from that trip he had to tell me that he was being deployed in a few weeks. He would be gone for 6 months. I could tell by the tone of his voice that it hurt him to have to tell me that. Or maybe he was scared that I wouldn't want to see him anymore. But I did. I never wanted to see anyone else. I knew that night that I had already fallen in love with him.

Those six months seemed more like six years. But when he got home it felt like he had never left. The chemistry was still there. We still made each feel amazing. And another painful situation has been forced on us. I don't know for sure what he'll be like when he gets home from laying his sister rest. I just hope that he will lean on me when he needs to, and that he will know when he needs to. I know I can be strong for him if that's what he needs. I know it because I love him with all my heart.

Part of me is scared that I will lose him. I lost a love once and I never want to experience that heart break again. I know I can do my part, but will he be able to accept my support? I don't know. Whatever happens, I got to be loved and be in love twice in my life. Some people never get that chance even once. I will always appreciate what I have been given. Part of me will always miss Warren, you don't forget your first love. But if D will take it, he can have the rest of me.

I really truly hate my CF clinic.

So I'm having symptoms of CFRD (dry mouth, peeing all the time, vaginal infections, blurry vision) that pretty much go away as long as I am careful and don't eat too much sugar. So I called and asked for my clinic to set up a glucose tollerance test at my clinic visit on the 2nd. The nurse called me back and said she would set it up. Cool.

She called today with some questions for me, fine. She asked what my symptoms were, I told her. She said that they usually would just check my blood sugar with my annual labs that I'm due for anyway and said that should be enough. Uhh....what? No, sorry, not enough in my book. I am the patient and I want it so what the hell is the problem? I told her that I would feel better if we just did the stupid test. She says "Well, if you insist." Yeah, I DO insist, what's it going to hurt to do it!? I swear to God they just don't care!

CFRD??

Uhg. So, I think I am borderline for CFRD at best. I have been having bad dry mouth, peeing 900 times a day, two yeast infections in a month, blurry vision....yeah the works just about. I am getting a glucose tollerance test at my next clinic appointment on the second. In the mean time I have become aquainted with diet soda and fake sugar in my tea.

FINALLY!

I FINALLY found the ONE doctor in the entirety of the UW physician network that is accepting new patients for primary care! At least it seems like she's the only one. I have been trying to find a new primary doctor for months. I had an appointment with a doctor close to me but just getting that appointment was like pulling teeth and then they canceled it. So I said to hell with that!

The internal medicine department at UW said they MIGHT be accepting new patients this spring.....so that was a no go. I called the nurse at CF clinic to see if she had any magical powers to get me in somewhere. She put in a referal to the women's health center. They HOPE to have a new doctor soon who would be accepting new patients....FAIL!

So finally I called the family practice clinic.......and miracle of miracles, they have someone and I could even get an appointment on the same day as my next clinic appointment so I don't need to worry about fitting in with my work schedule!!!!!!! There IS a God! I have never had so much trouble getting someone to look at my vagina!

I still can't get over it!

I live by myself. My own apartment. MINE! I still can't over this! I love having a place that is all mine. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. No one else is sitting around making a mess all the time. I can even walk around naked! I take full advantage of that one. I wish I had some more money to go around, but I will not get a room mate in order to make that happen. I love my independence way too much for that. I'm in my prime and I'm loving it!

Is he real?

I woke up this morning with D spooning me, his arms wrapped around me. All I could do was wonder how I got so lucky. How did I become so fortunate as to find this man just when I needed him. After such a disasterous marriage I was so desperate to feel like I was deserving of love. I just wanted to know that someone out there cared for me as much as I cared for them. And I even though I wanted it so much, I had given up on finding it. And then there he was.

We took our time waking up. We'd look at each other, then doze off again. The cat came and cuddled us for a little while. Finally I was fully awake, and I watched him. I looked at his profile while he slept. I thought about how handsome he is, and still wondered at the fact that he was with me. I love that he wants to be with me, he wants to make the long drive here every other weekend to spend time with me. I love that when we're snuggled up watching a movie he'll kiss my cheek or forehead for no other reason than wanting to.

At one point he stirred and looked at me. I asked if he wanted some coffee and he said yes. I started to get up to make it but he pulled me back toward him. He may have wanted a cup of coffee but he wanted me next to him even more.

We haven't actually said "I love you" to each other yet, and as much as I would adore hearing him say that, he shows me in other ways. I know he cares about me. I also understand that he is having a hard time dealing with his sister's cancer and being so far away from his family while she is so sick. So I just try to be there when he needs to talk about it. What else can I do? I love him, and I wish I could fix her, but I can't. All I can do is listen, and not give him the same old cliche remarks that people say in these situations. Afterall, I know first hand that they don't make you feel better.