Long over due updates!

I know, I know.....bad Tadpole!  Things have been crazy.

The holidays were nuts this year.  I rarely had a day off from doing something or another.  There were parties, birthdays, dinners, movies, dates, and doctor's appointments (when is there NOT doctor's appointments?).  In the last week of December I started to wonder if I was pushing my luck and over doing things.  By New Year's Eve I knew I was.  I was exhausted, had no appetite, was spiking fevers, and short of breath.  Pretty standard stuff for me when I need IVs. 

So on January 2nd I checked myself into the hospital.  Normally I do my IVs at home from start to finish but I had to go in this time for a couple of reasons.  One: I simply did NOT have the energy to take care of myself on my own this time.  Since I live alone this is an issue.  Second: Medicare doesn't cover home IV antibiotic therapy.  Figure that one out.  They'd rather pay $1500 a day for two weeks just for me to have a room in the hospital (not counting meds, nurses, docs, tests, and food) than pay $3000 for the full two week course at home.  Uh....wut!? 

My primary care doc is on the team that sees CFers when they're in patient at my hospital (awesome!) so she was MY doc most of the time I was there.  She tried everything she could think of to get me out of there but in the end everything fell through so I had to stay the whole two weeks.  After the first 5 days though I got a day pass so that I could leave in the middle of the day.  This allowed me to take care of some errands myself and most importantly, come home to see my kitty! 

I had so many friends come see me while I was in, it was fantastic!  There were only one or two days that I didn't have any visitors.  There were a couple of days when I had five or six, at the same time!  How sweet is that!?  People brought me goodies, and stuff to do.  I seriously have the most amazing friends.

The day after I got out of the hospital I went to my friends' house to house/pet sit while they went on vacation.  This had been planned for months, I'm just glad I got out in time to keep my promise!  So, even though I wasn't at home, I wasn't in the hospital and Savage got to come with me.  So that was fine by me!  I mostly rested up from two weeks of crappy hospital sleeping while I was there.

Now I'm feeling really well.  I had a period where I felt very asthmatic for a while, but the air quality got kind of poor and that always messes me up.  I'm going to the CF clinic on Monday, and I'm eagerly awaiting my PFTs.  Oh yeah, I need to make a list of scrips I need.  Ah, screw it, I think I need them all!

This is how it feels....

.....when you get rejected because of your disease.

Dear Dude,

I’m going to apologize in advance for some of things I’m going to say.  The thing is; I’ve never had the chance to tell someone exactly how I feel about being rejected because of my disease.  I’m taking it.  I need to.  I really hope this doesn’t destroy a chance at friendship for us.  As hurt as I am right now I don’t hate you and never will.  I wanted to write this instead of tell you in person because with something intense writing just works better for me.

Right now I have this huge desire to just rage at you for rejecting me because of my CF.  I want to scream at you about being a poor excuse for a man, weak, uncaring, unfair, judgementle, and selfish.  Yes, I’m going to die before you, but so what?  Anyone who cared enough about me would rather be with me for however long I’m here than not at all.  

I’m even questioning whether or not you are capable of being my friend.  I need my friends, I need them absolutely.  When my health declines I will need support, shoulders to cry on, cheerleaders, listeners, and help doing simple tasks.  Can I count on you to be a part of that team?  You already told me that my death will be one of the most difficult things you’ll have to deal with.  This doesn’t instill me with confidence.  At this point in time I’ve lost a lot of respect for you. 

You said you don’t deal with death well.  Guess what, no one does.  It isn’t supposed to be easy.   It’s supposed to hurt.  In my adult life I’ve had to deal with the deaths of more than twenty loved ones, but even if I were given the option to go back and not become their friend to save myself the pain of their death, I wouldn’t do it.  I’m better because of them.  I will never distance myself from any of my CF friends who are still living.  I need them and they need me.  I went into these friendships knowing what could happen.  I’ll see more of them die, in the same way that I’ll die!  It’s like having a sick crystal ball.  Some of them will see me die, yet they don’t reject me.  If I can make it through more than twenty monumental losses and be whole, then you can make it through the handful you’ll have to deal with in your life.  The first man I ever loved died.  It was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, it took me years to get over it, but I did.  I still love him dearly, but he wouldn’t want me to mourn him forever.  He’d want me to find someone else to be happy with, which is why I haven’t given up.

  

I meant it when I said that I understand this.  You have a choice about whether or not to take this on and how much.  This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, it probably won’t be the last.  No one wants to see someone they love suffer and die.  The thing is; there are no guarantees that you won’t be put into that situation with someone else.  The only difference is that I’m more aware of my mortality than most people.  What if you’re with someone for years and years who was perfectly healthy and then they get cancer?  Would you break up with them then?  

I wish there was a way that I could make you feel how I feel about this.  You have no idea what it’s like to be terrified of falling for someone and them falling for you because if it happens they will watch you die!  I don’t want to be responsible for causing that kind of pain.  Sometimes I think it would be better if I’m single forever.  At the same time I’m still human and I want someone to love me.  I want someone to love back.  CF has taken so much from me; the only career I ever wanted, kids, friends, my independence.  Every time it makes someone I care about run from me I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out.  It just isn’t fair that it should take away the one thing that would make me the most happy.  

I don’t wonder if things would be different if I didn’t have CF, there’s no point.  I have it and nothing will change that.  I think that you’re too analytical when it comes to matters of the heart.  Love isn’t an equation to be solved.  It isn’t logical, it makes no sense, it’s hard, often painful.  I don’t want to feel this way about you.  I don’t want or need a boyfriend who can’t handle the reality of my health.  But I can’t help it, just like you can’t help how you do or don’t feel about me.  I don’t expect this letter to change your mind about it.

Thank you for being honest with me when I asked you to tell me why I’m not right for you.  Knowing the real reasons will help me get past this faster.  I’m not going to rush into another relationship to try and get over you.   

I do still want to be your friend, but it will take time for this wound to heal.  I’ve learned a lot from you, because of you I’ve made tons of new friends.  I’m scared that if you and I aren’t friends anymore they won’t want anything to do with me.  Despite what I said at the beginning of this rant you have a lot of qualities that I do want in a man and having you in my life has made me more aware of those things.

Me, and life, and stuff!

Hello friends!

I just thought it was about time that I sat down and write a really good post about what's up in FrogLand. 

Tomorrow will be exactly six weeks since my hysterectomy.  I feel amazing!  For such an invasive surgery I have to say that the recovery has been pretty easy.  Can I tell you how amazing it is to not be in near constant abdominal pain (my back pain continues to be unceasing)?  A person can only deal with so much at a time and I was at my limit.  If anyone in the Seattle area is need of an astounding GYN surgeon I'll point you in the direction of mine!

My Thanksgiving was great, I hope yours was too (if you celebrate, I know I have some international followers).  I got to spend it will three good friends I already had, and made a few more.  E, you are an fantastic cook and I thank you again for having us over. 

I got to have a second Thanksgiving, or Friendsgiving, at D and E's (a different E) house.  There were 30-ish people there and TONS of amazing food.  It was a great time and I learned that I'm pretty good at the game Cards Against Humanity.  They are hosting a Giftmas party as well and I'm really looking forward to that!  Ugly sweaters and white elephants!

In health news other than the surgery; there is nothing new to report!  No news is good news right?  I'm hoping to make it through the winter without IVs since I ended up doing three rounds in six months this year.  I have a daily cough, of course, but that's nothing new.  I try to be religious about doing my treatments as I should.  Sometimes my back doesn't let me though. 

I could use some more money in my bank account, but who couldn't?  I realize now that once my lease is up on my apartment in the spring I will have to move.  As it stands now I'll be moving in with two of my best friends (I have like, 50 best friends but these two are at the top of the list), B and N.  They have a condo with an extra room.  The arrangement they are offering me would help all of us out immensely.  Its farther outside of Seattle than I would like, mostly due to the fact that I don't drive, but I have to do what I have to do.  As it stands right now if the cat needs to go to the vet (knock on wood) I'd be screwed.  So, thanks B and N for helping a broke frog out.  I've never been the type to care about having shiny new, fancy stuff, but a little bit of security would be a nice change.

I've been dating some, but I seem to be the perpetual victim of the guys who just drop off the face of the earth with no explanation.  I shouldn't say "victim" because I don't feel like a victim.  Yeah, its irritating, but in the end I don't need people like that in my life.  There is one guy that I'm interested in but I'm being patient with him.  I get the impression he needs to come to terms with some things and maybe learn some lessons about life and love before he moves on in the whole dating/relationship world.  I'm not waiting with bated breath, but I also refuse to settle for someone who is less of a man and wonderful human being than this guy is.  Either he will figure it out, or he won't and I will find someone who is just as sweet, funny, creative, and all those other things I look for in a partner/lover/companion.  If nothing else I have a friend for life, no matter what ends up happening I could never resent him or hate him.  He's never treated me badly, never made me feel bad about myself even unintentionally.  He's also made me hyper-aware of what I want and deserve.  He doesn't know that, but I thank him for it anyway!

Really, I guess I just want to say that life is awesome!  Its not perfect but, I'm so happy with the way things are going and what I see in my future.  Life would be boring if it was always perfect anyway!  I'm excited to spend the rest of the holidays with all of my friends, and for making new friends! 

One month post-op!

Its been 4 weeks since my hysterectomy!  I am feeling great considering I had whole organs taken out of my body via a 4 inch incision.  My tummy is still a bit sore so I still have to be a little careful about my activities, but I never expected to be running marathons at this point.  Not that I ever run marathons.

I had my post-op follow up appointment today.  The nurse kept saying that I looked fantastic for only being a month out.  Awesome!  The doc said that I am healing up right on schedule and everything looks great.  I can even go snowboarding after the first of the year!  They said to give that 12 weeks because of falling and whatnot.

 

Uterus, be gone!

Hello out there in internet land!  Just popping by to give you the latest.

For about a year and half I've been dealing with endometriosis.  Its a condition that causes uterin tissue to over grow and grow in places it shouldn't.  This overgrowth aggrivates nerves and is VERY painful.  A few things were tried (hormonal stuff) that didn't work so I was sent of to a doctor who specializes in pelvic pain.  This doc tried one more hormonal treatment called lupron.  It was great!  Wow!  No pain at all after I had been on it for a couple of weeks.  This is not a medication that can be used longer term so the hope was that after three months of it the endo would be beat back enough that my regular birth control could keep it in check. 

Sadly, that did not turn out to be the case.  Within six weeks of stopping the lupron I was having pain again.  The specialist that I saw told me flat out that she was so concerned about my CF being an issue that she would not operate on me, which is what I would need to deal with the endo for good.  Uhg.

Right about that time my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  She was sent to Seattle from eastern Washington for her surgery.  Mom is going to be fine, her cancer has a 95% cure rate with surgery alone!  While mom was here I met her surgeon and he seemed fantastic, as did the rest of the staff who took care of her at the hospital!

When things had settled down a bit in my life I marched into my general practitioners office and asked for a referal to mom's doctor.  After listening to my reasons for wanting it my doc put it through!  A couple of weeks later his office called me and was ready to schedule surgery the following week!  While I was very impressed by that I told that I needed some time to get this organized.  So it was scheduled for the second week of October.

Well, last week I had my total hysterectomy!  I no longer have a uterus, ovaries, or felopian tubes and this is just fine by me!  I spent two nights in the hospital with wonderful nurses who were only concerned for my care and comfort!  They brought a vase for the flowers that someone gave me, they offered my mom coffee and juice, they made sure that my pain was under control and that I was eating.  Seriously, I have never had a better hospital stay!  There was no worrying about getting my meds correctly and on time, the nurses would just magically appear with the right thing at the right time.  Someone came right away any time I needed help with something.

I am now recovering at home with my dad taking care of me, and the cat of course.  I'm almost off of the heavy pain meds entirely and getting around pretty well.  Dad will be going home on Saturday but after that I have tons of friends that are willing and able to help me when I need anything!  It seems weird to say that the most invasive surgery I've ever had has been one of the easiest to deal with, but its the truth!

Summer, be gone!

Sorry for the lack of posts.  This summer has been, in a word, hell!  I've had to take a step back from some things (this blog for one) in order to deal with others. 

At the beginning of the summer I went on 3 weeks of IV antibiotics.  That was rather uneventful which is always good.  It was, as always, exhausting and painful but nothing unusual happened.

Right as I was finishing that up my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  SCARY!  My parents came to Seattle for her surgery because they live in East Bumblefuck.  Before the surgery they didn't know it was cancer 100% even though the surgeon was pretty sure.  While mom was under they did a quick test on the tumor and, yup, cancer.  So they opened mom up some more and poked around looking for more tumors.  They didn't find any, YAY!  The tumor was about the size of a grapefruit and had just started attaching to her pelvis.  They dug out a chunk of her pelvis to be sure they got rid of that.  The plan was for mom to have six months of chemo.

It took about another week for the full pathology on the tumor to come back.  It turns out that they caught it very early, YAY.  It was also a very rare cancer that when caught early does not require chemo, SUPER YAY!  So mom doesn't have to deal with any of that mess!

Right as mom was getting this awesome news, word came down that a good friend of mine who had been dealing with breast cancer for a year and a half was stopping treatment.  She passed away on August 1st.  This was very hard for me.  Lisa was such a good friend and all around amazing person.  She was only 34, much too young for this!  The unfairness of it was almost too much for me.  Of course, there was the relief that she wasn't suffering anymore.  However when someone dies we're always a little selfish in that we just want them back with us. 

Not too long after Lisa died I had a dream that I got a tattoo of a pink daisy at the top of my right boob.  Pink daisies were her favorite flower and her cancer started in the top of her right breast.  I knew right away that this will be my next tattoo.  I'm currently shopping for an artist to do it.

The week after Lisa's memorial service I had to go on IV antibiotics again.  I only made it two months between rounds.  That had me pretty down for a while.  Now I'm starting to feel like my MAC might be back too.  I'm waiting on test results for that.

One of my CF friends passed away last week.  This is always hard.  I wasn't super close with him and I think, still a bit numb from Lisa's passing so it hasn't really hit me yet. 

So, as you can see its been a rough summer.  There have been some good things too, but right now I'm still in a place where the bad is easier to see.

Internet Dating 101

Internet dating.....where do I start?  Its clearly a part of life these days.  Its not going anywhere.  However; there seems to be a disturbing lack of etiquette!  So, I'm going to outline some things that should and should not be done based on my experience!

1: Read the profile of the prospective date.  All of it.  Bonus points for actually retaining some of the information included in it!  If you have trouble retaining such things then revisit the profile as needed.

2: If you are interested in the person send them a message that includes some information about yourself.  "Hi" is not sufficient!  Extra points for paying the person a compliment.

3: Don't send a vegetarian a photo of your barbeque covered in chicken legs (someone actually did this to me!?).

4: If, during the course of the electronic conversation you feel that you are not clicking with the person, just say so.  Don't just disappear off the face of the earth.

5: If someone tells you that they aren't interested then don't message them again.  You will get blocked.

6: If you progress to the point where you would like to have a date with someone, for the love of Jeebus don't stand them up.  You are an adult, act like it!  If you can't make it for some reason then call the person.

7: Do not start calling the person "hun" or "baby" before you've met.  Don't start with that before you're actually seeing each other on a regular basis!

8: Always meet the person in a public place for at least a few dates.  Note the word MEET.  Do not offer to pick someone up at their place or give them a ride home.  Creepy.

9: Can we please do away with the bathroom mirror pics and duck lips?  Thank you.

10: Do not send unsolicited pics of your genitalia.

11: Do not ridicule anything in my profile or try to change my beliefs on things.  Instant block.

12: If you really want to date me, act like you're interested in ME.  Yes, I want to know about you but you don't need to make all your messages about how wonderful YOU are.

13: Have a picture that accurately represents what you look like.

14: Be honest.  I don't need to know every detail of your life but "fudging" things is lying.  

I will add more as it comes up.