Hmmmm.

J and I broke up a while back. We were fighting too much. I was tired of all the negativity.

The hardest part for me was knowing that he loved me more than I loved him. That's not anyone's fault. I always seem to get into those relationships where one person has much stronger feelings about it than the other.

I've been in love. I mean the really romantic, passionate, movie kind of love. Its out there, it happens. That's what I want to find again. I want sparks to fly when we touch each other. I want it to hurt if we're apart. That's how I've known when it was real before. The times we were separated were actually painful.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just needed it out of my head I guess.

The Wind by The Fray

If you click on the title of this post you will be able to listen to the song.

I've been listening to The Fray for a couple of years now. They're music is very easy for me to relate to and I like that. If I can't make some kind of a connection to a song or artist the I usually won't like it, or I get sick of it quickly. I just saw them live last week and I have to say it was probably the best concert I've ever been too. Seeing them perform you can tell they are very passionate about their music. They interacted with the crowd too, which I love to see. It tells me that they appreciate their fans.

I've find myself going back to this song since the concert. Here are the lyrics:

The Wind from The Fray

Oh my God, think I’m lost at sea

The silent waves are my company

And I lost the land between the sky it seems

And wondering, “Will the wind ever come free?”

Yeah

Cause I don’t know, I don’t know where I am

Can yu tell me, will I break or will I bend

Will the wind ever come again

Ooh, ooh

I feel the sun coming out, rising from the east

And I see the empire, falling to her knees

And I lost the land between her and me

My troubles are gone if the wind ever comes free

Yeah

Cause I don’t know, I don’t know where I am

Can you tell me, will I break or will I bend

Will the wind ever come

You left me on the shoreline

You will stand and bare

But you, I’ll find you waiting

You were waiting for me, waiting for me

Tried to kiss the emptiness

Lost the line between sky and sea

I feel the sun coming up, coming up, coming up, coming up

But I don’t know, I don’t know where I am

I will break or I will bend

Will the wind ever come again?

This reminds me of the times in my life when I've felt lost. There haven't been many of them and its always involved the loss of someone I loved. Not always a loss because of death, but those were the worst times. I don't talk about it much but my first love died and a part of me went with him. He will always have a place in my heart and I still miss him.

After something like that happens you really do feel lost. I would find myself walking through a store and I'd go from one end to the other but not remembering anything in between. For a long time I literally didn't know what to do. I wondered if anything would ever be able to get me out. And I wondered if I would ever feel that way about another person.

Eventually I did find my way back and learned that love is not always a once in a lifetime thing. I'll always carry around the pain of that loss, and of all the others, but I am better for having known those people and sharing my life with theirs. I wouldn't trade the pain of losing them if it meant that I never knew them.

I don't know what happens we die, but I hope that whatever it is I get to see Warren, Courtney, Paul, Eva, Jenn, Ginger, Shawn, Sandy, Gess, Mel, Tom, Ted, my granny, and grandpa again.

Sorry if this post is depressing. Its not meant to be. I'm feeling reflective right now.

R rated fundraiser anyone?

So, I may have mentioned it here before, but there has been this idea for a CF fundraiser banging around in my head for years. I want to see if there would be enough interest in it to make it worth pursuing. For the record I totally advocate going after what you want eleventy million percent!

Here's my idea! Everyone is familiar with the firemen calendars right? You have a bunch of incredibly sexy, half naked firemen doing what they do in the pics and then they sell the thing to raise money for burn victims. HOT! My idea would be something similar, but for CF. It would be semi-naked CF women doing what we do (treatments, IV meds, etc and so on) and it would be sold to raise money for CF research and/or medication/financial assistance programs for CFers.

Some ideas I had for photos would be someone tied up with oxygen tubing, someone sitting on the compressor for their vest suggestively, ports being accessed while wearing a corsette or something. You get the idea! I'm even willing to do all the shots myself, which would probably be easier than trying to find a minimum of 12 CF women will do this. The models would likely be all over the country (world even!) and that could turn into a big hassle.

I would need a photographer willing to donate their time (I already have one in mind that I could ask). The big thing I would need is a printing company willing to donate the production of the calendars or monetary donations to pay for it. I'm on disability and it doesn't exactly pay well so I couldn't do this out of my own pocket.

So what I want to know from you all out there in internet land is A: would you possibly be willing to donate to the making of such a thing, and B: would you buy it once it was done?

There are several reason why I've wanted to do this. First, fundraising is awesome, yo! Second; I like the juxtaposition of the whole thing. I think I can pull off sexy + clinical and make it work. Third: CF fundraising focuses very heavily on kids. Which is fine, whatever brings in the cash. The thing is that people still tend to forget that this is not just a kid's disease anymore! Adults with CF are confronted with different things and one of those is sex and sexuality. Do you know how difficult it is to get in the mood for some sexy times when there is a needle covered by a giant band aid in your tit!? I do! So I hope that something like this would bring a little more attention to some of the things that adult CFers have to deal with.

So, leave some comments and tell me what you think. Yes? No? Advice? Constructive critisism? I welcome it all. And please, pass the link to my little bloggy along so others can weigh in.

CF Food!

Take everything you ever learned about proper caloric intake, portion control, and limiting fats, do a 180 and that's a CF diet. Eat a lot, eat often, eat butter, cream, milk, and anything else fattening.

My mom used to make this stuff for me and my brother. Its perfect CFer food. It has lots of calories, tastes great even when you're sick and its easy to make.

What you'll need:
A large container of cottage cheese
A tub of Cool Whip
Mini marshmellows
A can of pineapple (I like tidbits but you can use anything except rings for this)
A packet of your favorite flavor of Jello

Your weapons:
A large bowl with a lid
A big spoon for stirring

Let your Cool Whip thaw out so its not a solid lump. Drain the juice off of your pineapple. Dump all of your cottage cheese, cool whip, and pineapple in your bowl. Throw in some marshmellows, whatever will fit. Stir that shit up! When its all evenly mixed smooth out the top. Cut just the corner off of your packet of Jello. Sprinkle it over the top of your slop. You won't need anywhere near the whole packet. You can save it for your next batch if you want to. Eat up!

This makes quite a lot of stuff, so you can halve it if you want to. I don't, it keeps just fine in the fridge for a couple of days so I can finish it off before it goes south.