I still can't get over it!

I live by myself. My own apartment. MINE! I still can't over this! I love having a place that is all mine. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. No one else is sitting around making a mess all the time. I can even walk around naked! I take full advantage of that one. I wish I had some more money to go around, but I will not get a room mate in order to make that happen. I love my independence way too much for that. I'm in my prime and I'm loving it!

Is he real?

I woke up this morning with D spooning me, his arms wrapped around me. All I could do was wonder how I got so lucky. How did I become so fortunate as to find this man just when I needed him. After such a disasterous marriage I was so desperate to feel like I was deserving of love. I just wanted to know that someone out there cared for me as much as I cared for them. And I even though I wanted it so much, I had given up on finding it. And then there he was.

We took our time waking up. We'd look at each other, then doze off again. The cat came and cuddled us for a little while. Finally I was fully awake, and I watched him. I looked at his profile while he slept. I thought about how handsome he is, and still wondered at the fact that he was with me. I love that he wants to be with me, he wants to make the long drive here every other weekend to spend time with me. I love that when we're snuggled up watching a movie he'll kiss my cheek or forehead for no other reason than wanting to.

At one point he stirred and looked at me. I asked if he wanted some coffee and he said yes. I started to get up to make it but he pulled me back toward him. He may have wanted a cup of coffee but he wanted me next to him even more.

We haven't actually said "I love you" to each other yet, and as much as I would adore hearing him say that, he shows me in other ways. I know he cares about me. I also understand that he is having a hard time dealing with his sister's cancer and being so far away from his family while she is so sick. So I just try to be there when he needs to talk about it. What else can I do? I love him, and I wish I could fix her, but I can't. All I can do is listen, and not give him the same old cliche remarks that people say in these situations. Afterall, I know first hand that they don't make you feel better.

Thank you oh so much for ditching me you bitch! If you changed your mind about our plans then you should have fucking said so, but this just shows how childish you are. I was ready to go, I called you how many times? And not one fucking word from you.This year was not an easy one for me, and you know that. This year marked the end of my marriage, the realization that my lungs are finaly rotting in my chest no matter how hard I try to keep it from happening, a surgery, and the unbelievable pain of having the new man in my life half way around the world for half the year. I guess it was too much to ask to celebrate the end of this year with someone I thought was my friend and the man I care so much about. Go fuck yourself.

Am I going to hell for this?

So my apartment office has been closed for days due to the massive amount of snow we've had and the fact that this state just isn't prepared for it. Well.....my boyfriend's Christmas presents and my enzymes are sitting in the office. Uhm....I called the emergency maintanence number and told the guy that I desperately need my medications, which is a lie. I am not in danger of running out, but I really want to be able to give my man his presents. Am I a horrible person. I mean it isn't exactly a lie, I really do have meds in there, I will need them at some point but I'm good for like a week or more without them. Oh well, I don't particularly care.

Yeehaa!

I was cleared by my orthopedic surgeon today! *See previous posts about the shoulder.*

He said my recovery has gone really well. I don't need any more physical therapy, but I do need to continue my home excersises for a while, which I can live with.

He's a really great doctor.....too bad he isn't my pulmonologist. As good as he is, I hope I never need his services again.

How hard is it!?

Honestly, how hard is it to get in to see a god damn doctor? Its not like I enjoy having freezing cold instruments inserted into parts of my body where nothing cold should ever go, then having my cervix scraped after hearing "this may feel a bit funny." Oh really!? A bit funny, huh? I'll make you feel funny with my foot in your face! The least they could do is have the courtesy of getting me an appointment soon so I can get it over with.

I wanted to establish care with the internal medicine department at the hospital where my CF clinic is. That way all my records are in one place, none of this having to deal with getting everything transfered. But they are "estimating" that they will have new patient appointments in SPRING OF 2009!!! What in the hell is that!?

So instead of going back to the doctor who wouldn't give me the birth control I wanted, then proceded to give me an enormous ugly scar on my back from sinking 4 stitches so deep that they had to be dug out, I decided to switch to a different doctor at the same clinic. Shouldn't be too hard right? WRONG! I have to establish care with the new doctor at one appointment and then get my cervical scraping at another one. What is this establish care crap? They take my vitals and my medical history, which they already have on file since its the same clinic. Then they bill my insurance a few hunfred dollars for it. Fabulous. What better way to establish a relationship with your new doctor then spreading your legs and letting them have a good look? This is the American medical system for you!

Post Thanksgiving Curse

I'm cursed, I'm totally convinced. Five or six years ago I got the flu on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and was SO sick. Last year I had my appendix out on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Today I had a tooth pulled.

I woke up this morning and just KNEW that my tooth was abcessed. I've had them before and it hurts SO much! That whole side of my face hurt and the tooth itself was throbbing. There is a dentists office right across the street from work so as soon as they opened I was on the phone with them. They were able to squeeze me in thank you diety of your choice!

After I had filled out all my paperwork they got me back and took x-rays and did a cleaning since it had been a while since my last one. The doctor came and looked at the films and did an exam and sure enough, I had a big infection in there. He said something about a root canal and I said NO! I don't do root canals since my teeth are already weak and root canals make them weaker (they essentially kill your tooth). So he asked if I wanted it out today. I said yes but was thinking "no, I just love walking around with half my face in severe pain, by eye ready to explode, and my tooth throbbing so bad I can't eat"!!! This is dripping with sarcasm of course.

So he gave me novacaine or whatever, saw another patient while that kicked in, came back and gave me a little more novacaine, did a deep cleaning of the area, and pulled it. It didn't hurt at all. He squirted some antibiotic stuff in there and put some gauze in for me to bite on.

I have another one that needs to go so I hope I can get in before the end of the year to get it done. I met my deductable with this one so it would be nice to get the other one done before the new year. I'm just glad I don't have to deal with the pain, good lord it hurt.